No thanks, Edward Scissorhands

I went to the specialist/surgeon yesterday. She was pretty confident that it is just a fibroid tumor - no biggie. I was given the option of leaving it in there. But she also said it is about 10 centimeters! That creeps me out. I've got something the size of a large orange or grapefruit growing inside me. Sure, I don't have any bad symptoms now, but sheesh 10 centimeters!

Just so you can get an idea, it's about half the length of my forearm. So I've got surgery scheduled for December 27th. My very first surgery. Scary and exciting. I'll have a story and a scar! I'm nervous and oddly looking forward to the surgery. I was given the option of laparoscopic via robot or a more traditional surgery. I opted for the good ol' hands on approach. Yes, there can be more pain and longer healing time, but robot operations... not for me. Another thing I don't like about laparoscopic - less invasive but longer because they have to cut that sucker up inside me to pull it out the tiny holes. I have this image of Edward Scissorhands chopping up the tumor to get it out. Eeep!

It's True

I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I have a tumor. Chances are it is a uterine fibroid - which is benign and not horribly uncommon in women. But it is big. I don't know how big. The ultrasound tech showed mom and I the image on the screen. The tumor looks larger than my uterus (however big that is). Now I am waiting for the gynecological specialist at UNC to call and schedule an appointment. When my doctor told me they were referring me to a specialist, she said "Don't freak out. He is a gynecoligist oncologist. But he is the best. He's who I would go to." Funny. "Don't freak out." I've got a mass of some large size in my stomach. I don't know how long it has been growing there. I may need surgery. It could be something worse than a fibroid. "Don't freak out." I'm freaking out a little.
Lord, help give me peace and patience as I wait for my phone to ring and as I go through the process of complete diagnosis. Help me remember that joy comes from knowing you and your saving grace. That things of this world are nothing compared to knowing you. You are strong enough to take on everything for me. I'm not doing this alone.

I have this idea...

I think that I could take pictures with my fancy camera phone (okay, it's not fancy, it's not even smart, but it takes okay pictures) and post them. That's a simplified explanation. They would be a way to show you my day in pictures. Images that trigger some memory or send me off on a thought tangent. A way to keep me open to God's beauty all around me. So as I walk my dog or go about my every day life, I can snap a shot and tell you what it means to me. Or just because it is pretty. Well that is the idea. It is a good idea. But I am an idea person. Bad on follow through. Here's a bunch of pretty pictures.
Note: I haven't figured out how to format and layout how I would like it to be and the post editing page doesn't look like how it looks like posted. So I have to go back and forth, back and forth. I'm sure there is an easy way for smart people...

I was noticing how even in spring it seems there are colors from fall. Spring isn't all pastels and bunnies. There are oranges and shades of red.

But then, when you look real close, what looked orange-ish is a what looks like pink and green. Whirly gigs, helicopters.

At the dead end street near where I live, there happens to be a bunch, I mean A BUNCH of wisteria. They always make me think of my mother. She really liked them so one year for her birthday or Mother's Day (which happen in the same month) us kids bought her a wisteria vine. She planted it in the back yard. I don't know if it still at that house, if it is growing wild through the new people's yard or they've cut it down.

But those purple vines will always make me think of that.

I spent the past Saturday at Avila in Durham. It is a retreat center sponsored by the Catholic Dioceses of Raleigh. They have their own programs, you can bring your own group or go on your own. I went with hopes of... honestly, I wanted God to tell me exactly what to do with my life. What I should be when I grow up, how I should be serving him, where I should live. But God doesn't do what you want him to do. He does what is best for you.

God used my time on Saturday to assure me in a very real, clear and personal way that he is near me.

I walked the meditation path and God walked with me.

I wandered into the library and picked up a book.

"You are near Lord,

The Lord is near to all of us,

because he is everywhere.

We cannot escape him...

nor deceive him...

nor lose him...

God watches everything,

he sees everything.

He is close to each one of us;

as he says:

I am a God who is close at hand."

~St. Ambrose

I wrote in my journal and read The Word.

Lamentations 3:57 "You came near when I called you, and you said, "Do not Fear."

Psalm 73:28 "But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign Lord my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds."

Psalm 139, Luke 6:68, 69, James 4:8

Yesterday in church, during communion, I was reminded of the miracle of The Trinity and a God who is near. He didn't stay in his lofty heavens looking down on his creation. He came to earth as a man and sent his Holy Spirit to dwell in all who believe, so that he can be near to us. God created, Christ died, The Spirit came so that everyone can have a personal relationship with their creator. John 6:38-40

There were no neon signs giving me green lights and direct paths, but knowing that He is near and walking by faith is more precious than that.

How He Loves Us

Yesterday I was driving home from work, with the windshield wipers going, dreading walking my dog. By the time I got home, the rain had stopped. By the time I got changed and Copper on his leash, the clouds were beginning to part. Then there was a spectacular sunset. It was fiery orange behind the dark treeline changing into golden yellow across the clouds. I walked a bit further and the orange was bright but fading. Turning the corner I saw a rainbow. The big kind that is an entire semi-circle. The colors faded right to left, but that right side had deep colors and you could see every one - red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet. The sunset was now shades of pink and purple. To the west shades any young girl would love to have splattered across their room, to the east an amazing rainbow.

I have a habit of talking out loud to my dog while I walk him. People probably wonder about me sometimes. I exclaimed to Copper, "Do you see that sunset? That rainbow?" Copper doesn't appreciate my pointing out the scenery. When I ask him about a scent, that he understands. And amongst this glorious evening color show and a unimpressed dog, it dawned on me. All those colors are for me - and you. Human beings are the only creature on earth that would understand how beautiful the sky was. The beauty is not necessary to function. It is a byproduct of the natural order of things, but not necessary. God created life -and not only that, he created a beautiful life- all because he loves everyone of us. The image of God gaining pleasure from my pleasure in his creation just reinforces how much he loves us.

Again, Copper could not quite grasp what I was trying to tell him. (I also believe God created Copper to show me how much love he has for me.) I ran the last bit of the way, up the stairs into my apartment and went straight onto the porch. I wanted to see the view from up high. Then I made my roommate look out her window and come on the porch. I had to share God's love with someone who could understand. There may have been some rambling amid my exclamations, but I think she got the point.

God created beauty for no other reason but to please us which pleases him when we attribute the glory of his creation to him.