It seems nearly inevitable that you end up carrying traits of your family, whether you see it or not. I never wanted to be like my mom. Growing up I remember her bothering me. She always wanted a hug, she cried at the drop of a hat and she had not idea how strict and unfair she was to me. Mom's personality seemed stronger than dad's. She was more outgoing, more vocal. Dad was more in the background. That's one thing I get from him, being more introverted. And my sister was little miss perfect. Sure her grades weren't the best, but she was happy and everyone loved her. I looked at her as a goody-goody church girl. (It was confessed to me that during her brief stint of smoking in 8th grade, she wasn't sure if she even inhaled.) The one person in my family that I can't pinpoint a specific annoyance was my brother. He was my little brother, so I'm sure he had his moments, but overall I looked up to him. We'd have grand adventures discovering the local woods. Hew was creative and artistic. Most of all it seemed he was always himself and comfortable with that. Even to this day I sometimes feel like he is the cool kid I want to impress.
That is why my brother breaks my heart.
This year I've been actually spending almost daily time with God and his word. I'm becoming more of the "church girl" I used to disdain in my sister. The feeling like something is wrong on the days I don't spend time with God. The desire to talk to people about what I have learned. An excitement over being able to express my faith so openly. All the things that made my sister "too Christian" for my taste.
My dad, while seeming to be a man of few words, has powerful things to say. His convictions in truth and righteousness are to be admired. As my faith firms, I hope to see my convictions grow like his. He knows what he believes and will tell you why.
And that brings me back around to my mom. Those constant signs of affection - I give her several hugs each time I see her now. The strictness - I see the value of boundaries as a protection. And while I am still working on feeling real feelings again, my eyes did well up the other day.
Because my brother breaks my heart.
A simple check, written by my brother, brought my mother, father and sister out in me. I held it in my hands. I used to be able to forge his signature, now I don't recognize it. And what breaks my heart, what brings out my faith, emotions and convictions, is that he has forgotten the Truth. And that simple check seemed a tangible reminder that he is outside the bond I share with the rest of my family. That it seems he is relying on himself other than the one who created him. I wanted to hug that slip of paper to me as if it would ease the pain and fear that seemed to open a hole in my chest with those realizations.
Because my brother doesn't know - it breaks my heart.
