Ruth is also about Naomi

I've tried to put in words what I learned and I'm not sure I'm expressing exactly what I mean. I pray that God speaks through my attempt at sharing wisdom from Him. At the Gathering, Brian Frost started a series on hope from the book of Ruth. In Ruth 1, Naomi experiences a famine, the death of her husband and the deaths of her two sons. Naomi said, "the Lord's hand has gone out against me!" (verse 13). She even changed her name from Naomi, which means pleasant, to Mara, which means bitter. Naomi also said, "I went away full, but the LORD has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi? The LORD has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me" (21). So here is Naomi, a woman who has suffered greatly and has become bitter - where is the hope in that? The hope comes at the end of the book in Ruth 4. Through Naomi's suffering came the line of David, through which Jesus Christ was born! (Ruth 4:13-22) And what great hope we have in him!

So while our sufferings will not result in the same greatness as the lineage of Jesus, we can be certain that through our sufferings God can do great things. We can rest in the knowledge that our suffering, even if we create our own, others impose suffering on us or whatever happens, does not hamper God's ultimate good or stop him from blessing us.The one thing Brian said that really struck me was, "Don't ever think that your past has put God in a shackle." (As if our actions could actually control God). We tend to look backwards and think of things that we wish God had done, instead of looking forward to what he will do. We think because this or that happened or God didn't do such and such, nothing good will happen in the future. But that is positively untrue.

When I think of what I've been through, I can know that there is hope!

The book of Ruth

Free Day

Yesterday was Memorial Day, and neither my roommates nor I had to work. That is a big deal for me, since I work two jobs and generally work seven days a week. We did next to nothing - watched two movies and went out for lunch. I also got to go shopping with my mom. Several times during the day, one or both of my roommates exclaimed, "Free Day!" They were both excited to have the day off. I got a little cynical at that expression. "Free Day," I thought to myself, "Neither one of them works as hard as I do." Sure one has a second job, but she only works one weekend day, leaving at least one free day a week. And the other, she gets full weekends every week. Why are they so excited about such a common thing for them? My frustration with them was one of those feelings that doesn't make any sense.

The day after any holiday weekend always brings up conversations at work. "How was your weekend?" "Did you do anything special for the holiday?" And it is one of those conversations that struck me. There were the usual cookouts, beach trips and sitting poolside. Then there was the conversation with one of my company's maintenance techs. I felt like such heel as soon as he started talking. I had asked if he did the traditional Memorial Day activities - like grilling out. He didn't. This particular tech is in the Army Reserve. He has served in Desert Storm and has been deployed overseas again since then. He took his family to Jacksonville, NC to decorate the grave of one of his fallen friends. They go to someones grave every year. This was the first year that they went to this particular site. When they found the grave, the soldier's mother was sitting on a bench in front of it. Can you imagine? She is broken hearted over her lost son and up comes a fellow solider, his wife and four small children to decorate his grave. Her son is not forgotten. That's what Memorial Day is all about. It is not about sticking your toes in the sand and eating a hamburger. It is to remember those who sacrificed their lives for our freedom. We have forgotten that.

As a Christian, I want everyone to know that Christmas is about God coming to Earth in human form in the body of Jesus Christ. And that Easter is a celebration of his death on the cross, as a sacrifice to cleanse the sins of all humanity. That is important to me. Shouldn't it also be important to me to remember those that preserve that freedom. That have made it possible for me to follow my faith, to profess truth freely to the world.

Next Memorial Day, I plan on remembering and celebrating a "Free Day!"

Breaks my Heart

It seems nearly inevitable that you end up carrying traits of your family, whether you see it or not. I never wanted to be like my mom. Growing up I remember her bothering me. She always wanted a hug, she cried at the drop of a hat and she had not idea how strict and unfair she was to me. Mom's personality seemed stronger than dad's. She was more outgoing, more vocal. Dad was more in the background. That's one thing I get from him, being more introverted. And my sister was little miss perfect. Sure her grades weren't the best, but she was happy and everyone loved her. I looked at her as a goody-goody church girl. (It was confessed to me that during her brief stint of smoking in 8th grade, she wasn't sure if she even inhaled.) The one person in my family that I can't pinpoint a specific annoyance was my brother. He was my little brother, so I'm sure he had his moments, but overall I looked up to him. We'd have grand adventures discovering the local woods. Hew was creative and artistic. Most of all it seemed he was always himself and comfortable with that. Even to this day I sometimes feel like he is the cool kid I want to impress.

That is why my brother breaks my heart.

This year I've been actually spending almost daily time with God and his word. I'm becoming more of the "church girl" I used to disdain in my sister. The feeling like something is wrong on the days I don't spend time with God. The desire to talk to people about what I have learned. An excitement over being able to express my faith so openly. All the things that made my sister "too Christian" for my taste.

My dad, while seeming to be a man of few words, has powerful things to say. His convictions in truth and righteousness are to be admired. As my faith firms, I hope to see my convictions grow like his. He knows what he believes and will tell you why.

And that brings me back around to my mom. Those constant signs of affection - I give her several hugs each time I see her now. The strictness - I see the value of boundaries as a protection. And while I am still working on feeling real feelings again, my eyes did well up the other day.

Because my brother breaks my heart.

A simple check, written by my brother, brought my mother, father and sister out in me. I held it in my hands. I used to be able to forge his signature, now I don't recognize it. And what breaks my heart, what brings out my faith, emotions and convictions, is that he has forgotten the Truth. And that simple check seemed a tangible reminder that he is outside the bond I share with the rest of my family. That it seems he is relying on himself other than the one who created him. I wanted to hug that slip of paper to me as if it would ease the pain and fear that seemed to open a hole in my chest with those realizations.

Because my brother doesn't know - it breaks my heart.

I wrote this for my brother.

Giving to Caesar

It dawned on me the other day that I should not be paying down my debt just to pay down my debt. Becoming debt free will remove the stress of owing so much money. But what is more important is getting me closer to what God may want to do with my life. I feel as though I can't give my full self to him now. I can make him my priority. I can spend time with him daily in reading his word and prayer, follow his guidance in my life, give time and money as I can. But when it comes down to it, I don't feel like I could do anything radical for my God. Not that he is calling me to be radical. But someday, he may want me to go into missions or sell all my things to help someone or work part-time so I can volunteer somewhere for him or give $500 a month to a needy family. I can't do any of those things with over $30,000 in debt hanging over me. So I am not working two jobs to ease my stress level over money. I am working two jobs for my God. So that if and when the time comes for radical-ness, I will be ready to get up and follow.
I give God my heart, soul, mind and tithe. I am giving to Caesar what is Caesar's. Being responsible, paying what I owe, not trying to take an easy way out.

Matthew 22:15-22

2 Corinthians 9:7 "Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver."

Do you need an intro?

I don't know where I came up with the title "Between Everything Grey." I often think of myself as a very black and white kind of person. At work I am always trying to get people to follow the rules. I have stopped speeding (as much) and am religious about using my turn signal. Because rules are meant to be followed. This is supposing the rules are good, moral rules. If we all obeyed rules, even the unspoken ones of common courtesy, wouldn't the world be a better place. Yet I want to see the in-between. I want to experience something unexpected. For me that most likely means identifiable emotions. I'm working on that.

- And isn't it ironic that my unexpected is an everyday human experience.-